NB "Whisper"

In a World of such fast paced political change I hope its reassuring that Turds of various sorts are diligently still being polished in the Midlands!

Whisper is a leaky and rather scaly boat which needed "The Treatment" to restore her former glory...

As with all paint jobs preparation is key, and looking at the state of the job in hand,

  I've engaged the services of my old mate and committed Brexiteer, the old pirate ex captain of the Black Pearl

 After a quick chat about our unreconciled political differences we decide to crack on as the job wont do itself.....

Halfway through the arduous prep job the government in their wisdom upset the apple cart by announcing a snap general election!

Things were going very well with the captain I until that point, and unfortunately, like the rest of the poor British workforce, productivity took a nose dive as the whole "can of worms" 

was reopened and unceremoniously chucked all over the floor!

"Why cant we just be OUT like they promised!?" he growl's through the dust and noise in admirable and dilligent representation of his demographic. Trying not to imagine Blackbeard boarding some poor merchantman holding his sword by the pointy end with

 £350 million quid burning in his beard, I volunteer the following placations.....

"Look mate this boat is in a state isn't it..... but were not scuttling it in the basin are we? Surely putting our differences aside and trying to fix it is the best way forward.... we can do that cant we?"

Unimpressed with my nautical analogies and political idealism he began to vent his rage in true pirate style, as if there had been a free rum token in the daily express that morning...

Et Tu blackbeard? Is that mine own claw hammer stuck in the back of my head??

My inner anarchist was promptly uncorked.... 

Agreeing not to listen to the news we decide on a truce for the duration of the prep job (and hide our most dangerous tools/weapons till hometime).

 

Just Imagine what reform could have been like if we hadn't scuttled our own ship ?

The French and the Dutch clearly thought that the situation was worth salvaging!

Whisper is certainly shaping up with a bit of effort...

Lets face it even America will probably be back to normal (whatever that is) in a couple of years!

More skills and opinions add themselves to the foment in the form of canal legend and signwriter, Trevor Counsell.

The consensus being that its all a bit silly really and most of us humble grafters wont really be affected... The use of Grammar by radio four presenters on the other hand is only sloppy at best... what is the world coming to?

Whisper, however, has come up a treat in the skilled hands of Pirate, a Remoaner, a Taoist with a badger hair brush, and not least Bev and Andrea who restored all of their own brasses to an exceptional standard before refitting.

I guess in an Ideal world all of the politicians that profess to represent our best interests could work together just as our eclectic band of bodgers... but thats the paint fumes talking I think. 

Whoever gets in (and barring another complete poll malfunction we know who that will be) Can you do all of us the courtesy of following OUR example, put your differences behind you, and get on with some F*****G work!

NB "Kelsarusue"

Kelsarusue

So begins another post about boat painting...

 Please feel free to browse the extensive archive on my blog which outline my method and working practises.. 

Kelsarusue is the pride and joy of an experienced boating couple from the black country, and my most recent endeavour. Superficially in reasonable condition, bitter experience meant that what I uncovered during preparation was no surprise!

Removal of all the windows and cabin fixtures revealed this lot:

 

"Rust Rust Glorious Rust, Sand it or Scrape it Remove it you Must!"

A week of solid graft usually sees the back of this demanding but necessary part of the job.
 Between sanding, grinding, scraping, shouting and clawing at the surface with fingernails the stuff comes off..

 Trust and honesty are essential between client and customer in any job, but particularly in the cottage industry of narrowboat painting. The Mrs found a consumer website the other day which appeared to diagnose me as a "Cowboy Painter" on the basis that I required a deposit before starting work, wore trainers, and did not have headed note paper!
To say that I was rather pleased is an understatement, as I've always loved westerns... All I need is a holster for my paintbrush!

Whilst applying the first of six coats of paint (for those that followed the link I made sure to hide the tins of cheap paint I'd poured into the empty expensive tins the night before)...  I just had to get rid of those bloody spurs 'cos they just kept making this damned distracting jangling noise.

Getting the coachlines straight is pretty crucial otherwise my scam will be blown and the Sherrif will run me out of town..
 


  

 Coat number three and the dock is providing adequate protection from the tumble weeds careering down the dirt road outside.

Three coats of gloss later and the undercoated coachlines unmask perfectly, I'll have to keep my head down... don't want to get a bad reputation with any of the other outlaws in this territory!

 Gasping to hit the saloon I resist, and steal myself with a steady hand to mask out the coachlines again top and bottom before chucking on two coats of cheap gloss with an old brush that used to belong to a fella I shot once.

The Sign Writing talents of the notorious outlaw Trevor Counsell lend a stunning finishing touch to this act of total deception, notice i have taken care not to show his face as he's been on the run for over sixty years and is wanted DEAD OR ALIVE!
 

Pride in the Boat restored its time to mosey on out of town. 

Thanks to Kelvin and Sue for being fantastic customers.

To all those thinking of embarking on a boat revamp beware, the cook at the saloon swears by the old addage "cheap goods no good, good goods no cheap".  In the unregulated wild west of the narrowboat world you pay your money and take your choice. Whether you get John Wayne or Jimmy Stewart to do your job for you you can only be really certain of one thing...
They are a bloody Cowboy!

 

NB "Hurley"

Hurley

Painting time is upon me again and in a major way! Hurley is a 52 foot GT boat that has not received serious attention for some time. 

 Rough isn't the word.. everything that shouldn't leak does, rust abounds, and I cant help but be aware of some strange goings on as I listen to the news whilst prising windows out!

The dreaded European Referendum is the talk of Stafford Boat Club... as in the rest of the Country. Cosily situated in the heart of the midlands it is very apparent that as a committed "Remainer" I am in the minority in my political views!

Trying desperately to concentrate on the job in hand I scrape, grind and sand away. 

Perspective is crucial when attempting a job of this scale, and I'm reminded of my recent trip to London.

There's no better way to get a feel for a place than from the saddle of a bicycle, so recently I took up the invitation of blustering Boris Johnson (remember him!) to tour the grandeur of the Capital on one of his famous velocipedes.

It was a sturdy machine; both reliable, practical, and reasonable value to rent for the day..... In fact the complete opposite of Bozza himself as the events of the next few days were to demonstrate.

Hacking through the smog of the metrollopis is thirsty work i can tell you! The palace of Westminster has cheap booze, but no apparent means of entry for a humble self employed narrowboat restorer from the midlands to grab a pint, and discuss my concerns with the powers that be!

I could just about see a few of them from this bench where i indulged in a can of gin and tonic and smoked mackerel out of the packet (three cans for a fiver from the Tesco on Kensington high street.... cheaper than the one on Aigburth road in Liverpool!)

All perspectived up in terms of the inequality of the price of gin between the countries richest and poorest neighbourhoods.. I return to the west midlands, cast my vote to remain in the albeit imperfect, but most progressive humaitarian and idealistic alliance between developed nations in the world, and start work.

 I approach the job with the qualities that seem to be being advocated by the political class; diligence, persistence, fairness and comradeship.

The trusty captain of the black pearl arrives to graft hard for his money. We rub the boat down in eight days whilst differing in our political views...

The campaigning from our parlimentary representatives unfortunately sinks to much lower depths and i wonder who should be paying attention to whom!

Cracking the paint open often induces hallucinations and delerium... but the day after the vote to leave the EU was announced the apparitions before me seem to be much worse than usual... Is it all just a bad dream?

 Strange things start to happen... The boat clubs welder in residence decides to emigrate and beat the rush (I kid you not!). 

The boat begins to take shape and visitors to the dock (always welcome) come to have a nose. 

One comments that my name dosen't sound very English now they come to think of it, but where might i go home to?

The Jungmayr name came to England with my grandfather after the second world war. 

The Irony of the situation is that you cant really do anything more perculiarly British than to paint a Narrowboat with a Brush. In a radius of less than 100 miles from the boat dock this is the only place in the world where this unique process happens.

"Hurley" is only being painted in this way because of my inherited immigrant work ethic and price structure.

luckily the work speaks for itself and I'm allowed to get away with it even if I am half German!

As the Shakespearean tragedy of our post Brexit calamity begins to intensify, another realisation drops on me like The Govesters' future in politics dropping from the top of the Shard.......

The Lady customers vibrant colour scheme of two tone purple with a striking lime green coach line is beginning to make the boat resemble the UKIP battle bus!

Even though I Begged with her in my solvent induced delerium to rename the boat "Nigel Th'Barge" in order to preserve my sanity, she refused. "Hurley" it is....(no hurling jokes please)

 

 The boat has been transformed for the better (unlike the country). The colour scheme is bold and individual, yet feminine... and you will always be able to find the boat when you come home from the pub!

If this blog has interested/amused/entertained you then please feel free to share.

The prices have not changed depending on who voted how.... so any of my customers who are booked in (now till the end of 2018) need not panic... although i may not be able to keep my opinions to myself i'm afraid!

cheers Kris x