Summary of Fettling in 2018

Having not blogged for a while due to work getting in the way, I have compiled a short photo summary of my endeavours over the last few months.

I guess a series of before and after shots of various works is as detailed as it needs to be, I wouldn't want to put more effort into this blog than David Davis the Brexit secretary is getting away with in the course of his work!

I hope you enjoy this montage of my recent activities as I charge into the sunlit uplands of our post Brexit reality...

Now we've got our country back an associate of mine in our rural idyll in Staffordshire decided to help me out by doing a bit of casual road rolling 

 I guess the machine must of been foreign or something! It will take more than faulty non British machines to hold us back in the new age!

If you are at all concerned for the welfare of my associate you have obviously never met him..... The owner of the roller lamented that the driver had got off too soon, but was otherwise unperturbed.

The manufacture and restoration of antique rocking horses continues apace. With unabashed British grit and in an atmosphere of great professionalism and humility, we go about our time honoured traditional craft.

Personally I wish they'd automate the lot.... apart from the bit where i get to sand their bottoms!

Farmer Palmer approached me late last year with a booze storage problem.

"Can you help me fit more booze in my cupboard?" They said. In sympathy as Michael Gove now holds their livelihood in his rather slippery hands, I decided to forgo the usual beard stroking and sucking of teeth.... 

 

.... and produced this rather pleasing little wine cellar and bar amalgamation.

The department of the environment can go whistle now, who cares about the common agricultural policy when we can all get smashed in style!!!

Slightly randomly, here is a picture of a Scotsman cooking and selling mussels in Lambrini on the street.

He is laughing at you.

Concentrating again now, here is a narrowboat bathroom belonging to one of the great "Unwashed".

There's nothing I love more than getting stuck into a good stinking bilge, and with Boris Johnson's tomes of of Joy ringing in my ears I undertook to sort this mother out!

I found it helped productivity to sing sea shanties whilst imagining Jacob Rees-Mogg standing over me as supervisor, with a cane.

I think self employment has given me all sorts of funny ideas, and submitting myself to a bit of zero hours exploitation to be good practice for the future.

 That'll do then!

 

If last years shepherds hut in my previous posts were a £350 million promise, then this antique hut of my own is representative of the biting reality! 

I'd have tried to find some cheap foreign labour but there's a bit of a shortage of that in Staffordshire at the moment.

Getting into the positive spirit I decided to extend the apprenticeship scheme to make use of a bit of child labour. If i can find a top hat I've decided to try and get a job as an adviser on Moggsie's staff.

The boy done good,.... had to leave it there for a bit though... we had to put on our cravattes and spats to go and consult on a rather incongruous plan to build a road link to France, just as we've severed trade links with the French!

But where to sit and watch the drama unfold? How else to absorb these events at this exiting point in British history?

Why in front of a bespoke media wall unit crafted by a local artisan of course!

What better way to watch the political class stick it to Johnny Foreigner, than by also gazing at hand crafted furniture made with imported materials, by a half German anarchist descended from immigrants!

What could go wrong!

In Summary I'm under the impression that the powers that be would rather all the self employed, and indeed all workers bar their chums in the city, offshore, or in the hedge (wherever that is) were kept in working conditions and a level of dignity represented by this picture of me on the right!

What they continually fail to understand is that the great British workforce; versatile, determined, inventive, resourceful, and fantastically cynical, is more represented in their attitude to the political class by this picture below.............!

NB "Whisper"

In a World of such fast paced political change I hope its reassuring that Turds of various sorts are diligently still being polished in the Midlands!

Whisper is a leaky and rather scaly boat which needed "The Treatment" to restore her former glory...

As with all paint jobs preparation is key, and looking at the state of the job in hand,

  I've engaged the services of my old mate and committed Brexiteer, the old pirate ex captain of the Black Pearl

 After a quick chat about our unreconciled political differences we decide to crack on as the job wont do itself.....

Halfway through the arduous prep job the government in their wisdom upset the apple cart by announcing a snap general election!

Things were going very well with the captain I until that point, and unfortunately, like the rest of the poor British workforce, productivity took a nose dive as the whole "can of worms" 

was reopened and unceremoniously chucked all over the floor!

"Why cant we just be OUT like they promised!?" he growl's through the dust and noise in admirable and dilligent representation of his demographic. Trying not to imagine Blackbeard boarding some poor merchantman holding his sword by the pointy end with

 £350 million quid burning in his beard, I volunteer the following placations.....

"Look mate this boat is in a state isn't it..... but were not scuttling it in the basin are we? Surely putting our differences aside and trying to fix it is the best way forward.... we can do that cant we?"

Unimpressed with my nautical analogies and political idealism he began to vent his rage in true pirate style, as if there had been a free rum token in the daily express that morning...

Et Tu blackbeard? Is that mine own claw hammer stuck in the back of my head??

My inner anarchist was promptly uncorked.... 

Agreeing not to listen to the news we decide on a truce for the duration of the prep job (and hide our most dangerous tools/weapons till hometime).

 

Just Imagine what reform could have been like if we hadn't scuttled our own ship ?

The French and the Dutch clearly thought that the situation was worth salvaging!

Whisper is certainly shaping up with a bit of effort...

Lets face it even America will probably be back to normal (whatever that is) in a couple of years!

More skills and opinions add themselves to the foment in the form of canal legend and signwriter, Trevor Counsell.

The consensus being that its all a bit silly really and most of us humble grafters wont really be affected... The use of Grammar by radio four presenters on the other hand is only sloppy at best... what is the world coming to?

Whisper, however, has come up a treat in the skilled hands of Pirate, a Remoaner, a Taoist with a badger hair brush, and not least Bev and Andrea who restored all of their own brasses to an exceptional standard before refitting.

I guess in an Ideal world all of the politicians that profess to represent our best interests could work together just as our eclectic band of bodgers... but thats the paint fumes talking I think. 

Whoever gets in (and barring another complete poll malfunction we know who that will be) Can you do all of us the courtesy of following OUR example, put your differences behind you, and get on with some F*****G work!

NB "Kelsarusue"

Kelsarusue

So begins another post about boat painting...

 Please feel free to browse the extensive archive on my blog which outline my method and working practises.. 

Kelsarusue is the pride and joy of an experienced boating couple from the black country, and my most recent endeavour. Superficially in reasonable condition, bitter experience meant that what I uncovered during preparation was no surprise!

Removal of all the windows and cabin fixtures revealed this lot:

 

"Rust Rust Glorious Rust, Sand it or Scrape it Remove it you Must!"

A week of solid graft usually sees the back of this demanding but necessary part of the job.
 Between sanding, grinding, scraping, shouting and clawing at the surface with fingernails the stuff comes off..

 Trust and honesty are essential between client and customer in any job, but particularly in the cottage industry of narrowboat painting. The Mrs found a consumer website the other day which appeared to diagnose me as a "Cowboy Painter" on the basis that I required a deposit before starting work, wore trainers, and did not have headed note paper!
To say that I was rather pleased is an understatement, as I've always loved westerns... All I need is a holster for my paintbrush!

Whilst applying the first of six coats of paint (for those that followed the link I made sure to hide the tins of cheap paint I'd poured into the empty expensive tins the night before)...  I just had to get rid of those bloody spurs 'cos they just kept making this damned distracting jangling noise.

Getting the coachlines straight is pretty crucial otherwise my scam will be blown and the Sherrif will run me out of town..
 


  

 Coat number three and the dock is providing adequate protection from the tumble weeds careering down the dirt road outside.

Three coats of gloss later and the undercoated coachlines unmask perfectly, I'll have to keep my head down... don't want to get a bad reputation with any of the other outlaws in this territory!

 Gasping to hit the saloon I resist, and steal myself with a steady hand to mask out the coachlines again top and bottom before chucking on two coats of cheap gloss with an old brush that used to belong to a fella I shot once.

The Sign Writing talents of the notorious outlaw Trevor Counsell lend a stunning finishing touch to this act of total deception, notice i have taken care not to show his face as he's been on the run for over sixty years and is wanted DEAD OR ALIVE!
 

Pride in the Boat restored its time to mosey on out of town. 

Thanks to Kelvin and Sue for being fantastic customers.

To all those thinking of embarking on a boat revamp beware, the cook at the saloon swears by the old addage "cheap goods no good, good goods no cheap".  In the unregulated wild west of the narrowboat world you pay your money and take your choice. Whether you get John Wayne or Jimmy Stewart to do your job for you you can only be really certain of one thing...
They are a bloody Cowboy!

 

Boat Blacking

Boat Blacking

Time to engage in the thankless labour of love that is "Blacking the Bottom" on our own boat Barden!

Earlier in the year we had the boat hauled out at Stafford Boat Clubs super slipway for a week. The actual state of the bottom is always a mystery and the subject of much conjecture until the hidden part of the hull finally emerges from the murky depths!

Thankfully we had nothing to worry about in terms of corrosion which can happen... even on boats that are only 4 years old!

Unlike normal boat jobs I was being managed by the Mrs on this one... and meeting her exacting standards is tough I can tell you!

Not content with the generally accepted approach of pressure washing the hull and chucking some bitumen on then going to the pub, my itinerary comprised the following:

1. Pressure wash the hull

2. Scrape the hull by hand to remove remaining algae

3. Wire brush the whole lot with 2 grades of wire brush attached to big angle grinders (a day of this results in feeling what I imagine it must be like to have been trampled by a herd of cows!)

4. Cut off part worn anodes, re-weld on at intervals in middle of boat

5. Fork out for and weld on NEW anodes bow and stern

6.Prepare and paint counter bands and gunwhales.

7. Three coats of Intertuf whacked on with a 4" brush!

 

 

As is customary when blacking, a bit of a helping hand from family or mates was called upon.... in our case Brother in law Neil popped down to both muck in, and mediate!

 

 With good humour and high morale the job was SLAIN! A real labour of love it is though... Its a tough job to do properly, not to mention being lucky with the weather! 

The sense of satisfaction is immense once the boat is back in, not to mention the way the boat slips swiftly through the water on the return trip with a nice slick clean bottom!!!

Fantastic!!